This is the first, and maybe the last post I will write as a sort of public rant. I’m finding the more honest I am with myself and the more honest I am publicly about my journey, the more open I feel and the more, “no way, me too” type responses I get from people. This either opens up new conversations helping us all to learn from each other or makes people feel less alienated by their behaviours and journeys. So please read this as it is meant, with the best of intentions. I’m not poking fun at people, I'm not victim blaming and I’m definitely not sitting on a high horse or preaching, I’m simply venting and hoping to offer my take on things from my personal experience… going from rave to behave-ish and from mentally and spiritually broken to feeling a whole lot better about life.
I will get things wrong on this journey and it's not my intention to upset anyone but I have to be honest with myself and you guys and if I do that then I can’t really regret anything. As Oprah says - you can not live a brave and open life without upsetting some people.
Healer heal they self and speak thy truth, do they not say? So here goes…
This post may seem harsh but lately I’ve been getting really triggered by certain behaviours in others. I have turned this inward to see what it is within me which needs fixing and I am working on it, so don’t panic however, I still think this conversation needs to be had.
During my recent training in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping) you are always asked to take responsibility or your own wellbeing before you tap and this got me thinking about responsibility and how East London in particular seems to be full of Adults shirking responsibility so we can all carry on living like toddlers.
Bars with ball pits, anyone?!
37 year olds living in their overdrafts, completing tinder and not being able to find a real connection with anyone.
Everyone still living for the weekend and wondering where all their cash went? Using spiritual bypassing and other techniques to act like everything is fine, it's not my fault - I do yoga, I'm a nice person.
For example, when you have been away at a festival posting pictures of yourself in all manner of hot messes, and you were HOT by the way. Looking uber sexy, like you’ve inhaled all the available merriment and exhaled all the glitter, showing off your exceptional knowledge of Instagram filters. Please just accept that you’re gonna have a come down afterwards. It happens, you go away, you rave, you have all the fun available EEEEEVVVVERRRRR!!!!! and then …. you go home and you want to die / eat dominoes / watch Love Actually and Disney movies and cry. Cry like a little baby who doesn’t know where it’s Mum is or how it’s going to look after itself because essentially in that moment thats what you are.
Believe me, I’ve been there more than once.
But… and here’s the bit that triggers me… don’t then start posting about how 'the universe is testing you'. You’re not having a spiritual crisis, the World doesn’t hate you, the Universe is not testing you. You’re hungover. Thats it. You’ll be fine in a few days.
This spiritual path is a beautiful and interesting journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. It makes us question ourselves, life and seek answers. It helps us tune in and chill out, relax and grow but for some of us its becoming an excuse to shirk responsibility and have something to blame for all our fuck ups. So if you’re all…… Nam-a stay-at the festival for three days off ma tits, don’t go blaming the universe for testing you. You poured all those pints of cider down your neck, not the universe. Trust me I’ve been there - it’s great to have a spiritual, woe is me, what the fuck am I doing with my life whinge on a come down when you’re all alone with only social media, re-runs of Love Island and Hagen Daaz for company but lets get real. You are in control of your behaviour and your feelings and as hard as it is to hear…. sometimes the choices YOU make, mean its YOUR fault, you feel like shit.
We all (me included) need to start taking more responsibility for ourselves, our mental health and our lives. Since getting sober-ish and throwing myself into new habits such as eating a more nutritious diet, sleeping longer, breathing better, exercising, meditating, using my ki/chi/prana/life force (delate as you see fit) my whole life has improved. Its not rocket science. It’s not always fun, it’s not always sexy and it’s not always a journey you want to share. Dredging the bottom of the emotional lake can take it’s toll and is not always pretty when you’re knee deep in it.
In fact sometimes its f*cking boring. There I said it. Sometimes it’s boring to do things you know will benefit you in the long run, like saving money, exercising and not eating that whole family size bar of Galaxy, but do you know what else is boring? Panic attacks, constantly hating yourself, questioning everything to the point of choice fatigue and being financially strapped all the time.
Now I’m not suggesting everyone who goes to a festival and parties for days at a time will end up having panic attacks, suffering from mental health issues, hating themselves and being poor but I'm sure spending 20 years in the rave didn't t help me too much on those fronts. I’m talking about my experience and how that played out. I know I am all the better for taking a few more boring, yet positive steps towards being happy most days.
So please I beg of you, go to the party, dance your hot ass off, take all the pictures (we all love a good scroll every now and then) but remember when the come down hits - it’s not a spiritual crisis…. its a come down and unfortunately theres only one person to blame.
If you are experiencing anxiety, depression or mental health issues here are some places to go which may be of use:
Calm - CALM is a male suicide prevention charity
Samaritans - offer a safe place for you to talk anytime you like
Mind - The Mental Health charity
Time to change - End mental health discrimination
If you feel a bit out of sorts, why not head here to find out how and why you should ground yourself.